CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
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Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain