He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.