“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
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Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Google Pay be like:
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.