“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
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What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.