In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
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[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Me trying to reach for my goals
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?