In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
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“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers