On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
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MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security