Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork