I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.