Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
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You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.