That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
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[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”