[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
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I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Grandmother clock.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
this is 10/10 content no notes
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”