“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
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[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART