“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
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Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?