“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

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Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”


My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.


I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.


Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.


The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother


ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*


ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking