“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
![]()
You Might Also Like
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Bootstraps
![]()
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.![]()
the battle rages on
![]()
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Every. Damn. Time.
![]()
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.