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Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
They also CAN sing✌️
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99