still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
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Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.