I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
You Might Also Like
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.