I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
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My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.