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It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Okay, I’m still confused…
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies