My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
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[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
🤣✨#caturday
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep