[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
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what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
taking June’s advice to heart
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score