“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
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PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her