me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
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I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.