Me after 1 airport cocktail:
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Before & after 😅
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy