DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
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So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I’ve had relationships like this