Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
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Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
How do you milk an almond?
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
My love language is hissing.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Lube but for my dry humor.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.