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Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?