@birbigs
@justmebutnot1 Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
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@justmebutnot1 
@stephenjmolloy Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
@_little_old_me Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
@dubstep4dads [In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
@merican_ninjy Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
@chuuew Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
@jjhartinger I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
@GingerHotDish Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
@English_Channel customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
@TheBoydP Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?