@birbigs

How do you milk an almond?

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@justmebutnot1

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

@stephenjmolloy

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

@_little_old_me

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

@dubstep4dads

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

@merican_ninjy

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

@chuuew

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

@jjhartinger

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

@TheBoydP

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?