How do you milk an almond?
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I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.