No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
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*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.