Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
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My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Things will get butter, keep churning
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you