Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
dutch so unserious
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
it be like that
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’