Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
You Might Also Like
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I’m not proud
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho