Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
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Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store