I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
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Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.