Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
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“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*