Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
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2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here: