I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
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[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
This kid is going places
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.