This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
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One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*