[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
fixed it
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
My Plans 2020