Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
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When you pick your nose after dusting the house
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.