Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Best table by far
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Have kids, they said
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.