Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
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She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
S M O L
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.