wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
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PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
getting corrected
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown