I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
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I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
An odd boast
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
