Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.