SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy![]()
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turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
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[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
What?!?
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Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️![]()