I was up all night reading about insomnia
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I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.