@ICagbanusi

I was up all night reading about insomnia

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@LindaInDisguise

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

@rickolantern

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

@EndhooS

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

@thajawn

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

@krisv_723

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

@80sjams

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

@LeBearGirdle

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

@Gorrdano

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.