I was up all night reading about insomnia
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Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
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I painted a hot chick with big jugs
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The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
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welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
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Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day