I was up all night reading about insomnia

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Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.


[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots


Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.


This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?


Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?


I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.


Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…



Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!


“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!


A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.