I was up all night reading about insomnia
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My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Me: can you stop playing?
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature