[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
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[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Me too 😆
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF