If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
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I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Happy Taco Tuesday
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.