No, YOUR illiterate.
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Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
This squirrel eats better than I do
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice