Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
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Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Everyone’s family
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Genius idea!!
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.