You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.