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Email: You have a new message in MyChart
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Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
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Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
still the best tweet of the year by far
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.