It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.